Letting Go

File Aug 11, 3 17 03 PM

I want healing to be linear – progressing from one stage to another in a single series of steps – each better than the one before!  I want to feel better today and better tomorrow and better the day after that.  Healing is not working that way for me.  I don’t think it works that way very often.   I will feel great, have lots of energy, and be ready to go for a walk.  By the time I’ve put my shoes on I’m so exhausted I need to lay down “right now”!   I’ll have an entire day when I have good energy and low pain.  The next day I will wonder if the day before was simply a dream – the aches and exhaustion are realities the entire day.  I recall one of my dad’s sayings, “My get up and go, got up and left!”.    I’ve come to believe that this desire for healing to be linear – every minute,  hour, and day better than the one before is really a form of my need to be in control.

File Aug 11, 3 16 45 PM

Through this entire two surgery and one emergecy room day journey into healing – I have most often been out of control.  The first few weeks I was put in a position of being completely dependent: on other people, but most importantly, on God!   Several times I had experiences of God’s presence/love so powerfully carrying me, that I was renewed and healed in the deepest part of who I am – a  bright, immeasurable spark which ignited the new life of my healing journey.

  So now that I am indeed healing in ways that are seemingly more tangible and I am able to do a few more things on my own(be less dependent on other), I am drawn back into my old ways(before surgery) of being – of needing to be  in control.   Praise God, that what is different now is that I realize that Jesus Christ has a life for me far better than being enslaved by my need for control.   That the Good News is Jesus Christ has given me a “new song” – is creating in me a new life in Him. That letting go and trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide, direct, and heal me in God’s timing and place sets me free to be the person God created me to be.   When I let go and fall into God, it is truly life – healed, whole, complete.

I’ve been listening to the song, Letting Go  from the Tides album of Steffany F. Gretzinger of Bethel Music.   The words are listed below.  You can also listen to it being sung by clicking on the link below.

 Letting Go – Bethel Music – Tides Album – Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger

You’ve brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song

I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, and falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes
but, perfect love comes rushing in
and all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin

and, I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, and falling into You

You remind me of things forgotten
You unwind me until I’m totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
And now You have won me

I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, falling into You


NOTE To those from Northlawn UM Church :  During the last two weeks of my Healing Leave, I will be easing back into my vocation of pastor by attending a meeting or two each week, as my energy and the Spirit’s guidance allows.   Pastor Jan continues to cover pastoral care needs until Aug. 30th, when I will be leading worship and preaching – living into the healed, new life God continues to draw me into.




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